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A Very Personal Update: 2020 – Renewed Hope

| Style & Life by Susana
| Style & Life by Susana

“You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” – The Wizard of Oz

OK, here is a very personal update from me. I know its been a while, well a few months since my last post and there’s a reason why… I just had to stop and walk away for a while.

I stopped on my blog, my Twitter, my Facebook and even my Instagram pages. I just had to walk away from the social media world.

For the last 6 – 8 months I had felt I was back on that roller coaster ride of ups and downs. My mental health and self-confidence took a massive nose dive, and were all intertwined, pad locked into each other making me feel like I was shoved into a blender moving at various speeds: starting on low, going to medium, then high, and then back down to low and ramping up to high; mixing every couple of days.

By looking at me you just couldn’t tell how I was truly feeling deep inside (unless I told you). Over the years I’ve become a supreme expert, like a member from Ocean’s 8 at masking my own problems.

This time my adult job was affecting my mental health so bad (I won’t go in the very specifics at what happened to me at work at this time) but it truly felt like I had found myself time warped straight back into high school and I was singled out by one particular classmate who just didn’t like that the attention wasn’t on them & was being shined on me being a good student, getting accolades through my teachers and moving to the top of the class. To my face, she acted like we were best mates but behind it – she tore me down to others.

To avoid any disharmony in the office, I decided it was just easier for everyone in the office just to give them the impression that the increasing workload was affecting me and causing me horrible stress & anxiety. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and now physically I was finally broken.

I’m the type of person that I believe people’s behaviour at face value: if you’re nice to me, then you are nice about me behind my back. I have never been one to be only nice to a person’s face, be your friend & the moment they walk away stab them with nastiness and negativity. I just cannot and will not do that.

| Style & Life by Susana
| Style & Life by Susana


From that drama it led straight onto another; the relationship with my mother. My mother and I, since my father’s death in 2009 have had an extreme tumultuous relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. Every day, upon seeing me (I live right behind mum on another block) she would look at me and just begin the day by criticising how I looked: my hair and the clothes that I wear; and that would lead onto other thoughts such as what the Portuguese community might think of me (of my appearance, and my so independent, so called rebellious attitude).

For the past couple of years my mother has suffered with the health of her legs. Varicose veins were causing her immense grief. In the middle of the night, she would wake up to this incredible heat from the soles of her feet and around her calves, that she wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. Mum’s leg’s looked sore, swollen and felt like tree trunks.

Every night I wash my mum’s legs with a relaxing herbal extract, massaging her calves and feet, and moisturising her legs with Palmers oil. I then place her on a foot vibrator machine to help with the circulation. I have tried everything imaginable to try to help ease her pain, her tiredness, her suffering. Looking online for any medications, treatments to help her.

I took her back to her Doctor time & time again asking the Doctor to look further into mum’s problems, run tests, just do something. Her Doctor did nothing, offered no solutions. Each passing day, mum was more impossible to be around as she would just tear into me. Her words would cut, slice me down open. I would go into panic modes of having to see her – wondering what her mood would be. But I couldn’t not go see her, not help her, not be there for her. She’s my mum. And when she was having a decent day, she was the mother I always knew: my beautiful mama. But when she was having a bad day … she was just completely awful.

At the start of December last year, with the decade coming to an end I came to the conclusion as I lay in bed one night that I couldn’t start the next decade with the same negative crap infiltrating my energy space anymore. That was controlling my life, my

Certain people who I work with at my office, I decided I wasn’t going to allow them to rent out any more space in my thoughts and/or drive me away to resign (which I came very close to on a few occasions, when I was offered a new job elsewhere, twice. I’d be giving them the power if I did that).

If some people are going to ‘pretend’ to be my friend, then that’s their issue not mine, and says more about them as a person. I will continue to be a genuine caring human and the hard worker that I am. I now apply the philosophy: giving zero fucks.

“The life you have led doesn’t need to be the only life you have.” — Anna Quindlen

| Style & Life by Susana

With my mother, well I was able to convince her to see my Doctor (someone I used to also work with for many years) and within a week of seeing him, he changed my mother’s health around. Removed one medication that was counteracting with another, upped her dosage on fluid tablets and monitored her on a weekly basis for a month which has helped her greatly.

Mama is now able to have a decent night’s sleep, the heat she experienced in the middle of the night on her feet & calves has reduced considerably. Now, she is a tad less ‘mean’ to me, but still has her odds days here and there where she does tear me down, but I don’t experience as much anxiety around her like I used to.

I am taking each day as it come’s but I’m also leading a much more positive, healthier lifestyle. I go to bed & read a chapter of a book each night, get up in the morning saying positive affirmations daily, yoga has returned back into my life (I now do chakra based yoga) and I’ve also taken up gardening; growing my own little vegetable garden.

Oh, and I’ve also discovered I love bird watching; so much so that I have placed a bird bath in both the back and front yard of my property. It’s just pure joy watching birds come drink, and splash about.

But more importantly I’m officially back with renewed hope & enthusiasm to working on my blog which I love so much, that it has become an extension of who I am, and where I am allowed to express myself, and show the authentic real me.

I’m back.

Share the love please xoxo