PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of ‘Style & Life by Susana’:

So I kept seeing butterflies everywhere I went. Yes, that’s right. Butterflies. In spiritual terms, the meaning and the symbolism behind butterflies is all about new beginnings. Change and butterflytransformations.

Unfortunately for me, I believe I’ve been singled out for it to be different and I believe it has a different meaning for me. In the past, whenever I have seen see butterflies or even moths (they have a similar meaning) they have meant: the ‘end of a cycle/life and the start of a new path.’ 

I’m so scared. I truly am. A part of me is like already feeling that these butterflies have been signs letting me know that my little warrior hasn’t made it or won’t be able to continue on with the fight. The only good news is that I haven’t had a phone call from the embryologist and THAT has kept me going.

DAY 19

My phone rang exactly at 8.45AM and literally my heart felt like it stopped beating and sank further deep within my chest at the sound of the ‘Sex & the City’ ring tone (yes yes,  that is my actual phone ringtone and yes, I am a huge fan). I ran to my handbag and searched for my phone, answered it and quickly walked from my desk (at my 8.30am to 5pm job office job) into the boardroom and shut the door behind me.

As per standard routine the embryologist asked the usual identification questions and in automatic mode, I answered her questions but at the same time, my mind & body went completely numb. I just know from previous experience that getting a phone call this early is never a good sign.

Embryologist: (pause)  “Unfortunately your embryo isn’t suitable for biopsy or freezing today. It hasn’t progressed to the next stage of being a blastocycst that we would like it to be.”

At the moment she began with, ‘unfortunately’ my heart just broke into a million pieces. A wave of complete and utter disappointed and sadness mixed in together washed over me and I feel like a have been sucked into a vortex and I am lost & alone in the universe, spinning around.

She continues and says, ” It’s progressed a little but not enough for it to get to blastocyst stage that it should be at. We will continue to monitor it over the next 24 hours and I will give you a phone call tomorrow morning”.

I hung up the phone and just stared at the white wall in the boardroom. All thoughts, all physical movements, just everything inside of me just stopped living at that moment. The world around me literally just stopped for those five minutes or so while I was on the phone.

OK. So, my little warrior hasn’t YET turned into a blastocycst but still its progressed a little. I know from another friend of mine, her little embryo was like mine and took an extra day to turn into a blastocyst. Sooooooooooooooooooo, there’s still hope. Right? I am so right now desperately trying to remain and grasp at anything to stay positive, to have hope, to have faith. I need to find a way to stay positive. God knows how I’m going to. Whats going on on one side of my brain is remembering seeing all those butterflies but the other side of my brain is yelling at that side of the brain to shut the f**k up and be positive!

The hardest part now is ringing my husband to tell him the latest news on our little warrior.

You don’t really think about how your partner thinks and feels during an IVF journey as you’re just so consumed with your own journey with all the drugs and medications, and what foods to eat and drink, or what foods not to eat and drink, what supplements to take, meditation, exercise, the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that just consume your life 24/7. You really just don’t think that much about if he is coping or if he isn’t coping or what he’s feeling or thinking. Its just as unfair on them as it is on you. Our partners try to be our knights in shinning armour and try to give us hope and strength.

Speaking just for myself and I want to apologise to anyone if I offend you with what I’m about to say but for me IVF is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I’ve gone through a lot of hardship and pain in my life. My first relationship was a physical abusive relationship with an ex where I was physically, emotionally & verbally abused for ten years and my previous relationship (before meeting my husband) was also an emotional and mental abusive relationship (with whom I was with for a year and a half). IVF has been the worst thing I personally have ever gone through in my life, in breaking and crippling me mentally and emotionally, my body reacting or not reacting to the drugs, in terms of the continued suffering, constant mind f**ks, failed expectations, failed results and just my body just not doing what is generally expected of a woman to do: conceive a child.  I have lived and breathed IVF for over three year and gone above and beyond to do all that is possible in helping my body. This is my own experience and feelings about it, only because it hasn’t worked for me, so far. No one’s experience is the same as each other, some have it a lot easier, while some have it harder. If I have offended you in some way with what I have said, please know I am truly so sorry but this is just how I feel.

I rang my husband and gave him the latest update on our little warrior and he went silent for a bit and I could hear him on the other end starting to tear up. His voice sounded cracked with emotion and at this exact moment hot tears start to trickle down my face. My heart is completely broken for my husband… I’m failing again for him.

So, the rest of the day for the both of us will be filled with numbness and automatic behaviour: just getting on with it and sending out as much positive vibrations and prayers to our little warrior to keep fighting on. Pushing to the back our disappointment and sadness and just trying with all our inner strength and love to be positive. Praying for a miracle.

Mummy and daddy need you little one, we desperately want you. Grow my little warrior, grow!

 COMING UP ON THE NEXT EPISODE: ‘that phone call’