So What Now...?

PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of Style & Life by Susana“Day 20: that phone call”:

Embryologist: “I’m sorry Susana, your embryo stopped growing. (Long and awkward pause) I’m so sorry for being the bearer of sad news.”

I hung up the call, took in a deep breath and just broke down into a flood of tears. 

I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. And unfortunately they were very loud piercing sobs that my work colleagues were able to hear me through the wall regardless that the door to the boardroom was shut closed.

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT DAY

Writing this is vulnerable and gut wrenching. Reliving all of the past memories, heartache and mental anguish I went through. Although I feel weak at times but I also feel stronger than ever. My fear is I don’t know how my truth will land for many of you and I hope towards the end, you will understand.

Since the last IVF cycle ended, it hasn’t been an easy road for me… mentally, physically and more so, emotionally. For so long I have steered far away as possible (if I was able to) from friends who have either fallen pregnant, just given birth or have children under the age of five. Please don’t get me wrong, I am truly happy for my friends but it’s so hard feeling like the odd one out – but I know that they are issues I need to sort out, and in time they.

Now why those ages specifically? I don’t know why exactly to be honest but perhaps because it doesn’t hurt as much if the kids are a little older. I know it doesn’t make much sense but God knows I’m trying hard to explain it here behind my screen on my laptop as I type this. It seems the younger the children are, the harder it hits closer to home for me. The baby I miscarried five years ago would have been five years old this September and I miss that little snowflake (I even wrote a song called, ‘Snowflake’ to express my grief) that lived inside my uterus for only two months. I was in love with those early stages of morning sickness and extreme weird cravings I had and I still to this day I feel a sense of loss about it.

Since 2012 up until early last year, going through so many freaking IVF cycles, my spirit and soul has been broken.  I’m pathetically more emotional than ever before. Now I’ve always been a very sensitive emotional person but not to the point where even a stupid happy story on a television show or even giving my congratulations on a certain achievement to a work colleague (yes this happened to me recently), I completely choke up and tears start to fall down my face. I can’t even express myself anymore without having my throat tighten up and tears start to well up in my eyes. I feel so pathetic! It’s like I’ve lost all sense of control.

I use to be able to speak confidently in public as well too, to be completely honest – I secretly love having all eyes on me 😀 . Here’s an example: a while ago I asked by a friend to read a passage from the bible at her own wedding. It all started off so well but then something happened, and my own voice cracked, the nerves and emotions came out through every syllable of every word, I then burst into tears. I was stunned and shocked by this as it never ever happened to me before. Even my own husband asked me as I sat back down, ‘what happened up there?’ I hung my head down, shook my head and said, ‘I don’t know. I don’t know’. Actually I do… it’s called IVF.

While IVF is an amazing thing that has it helped millions of couples around the world to achieve their dreams of having a baby of their own, but what is not spoken about but is yet swept underneath the rug is the emotional and mental turmoil pain that also causes to those other millions of couples that it doesn’t work for.

When my last cycle ended, my husband and I decided to take some time off to decide what we were going to do, as we had been doing an IVF cycle every two months for almost four years.

Can you imagine the amount of money that is spent on something that there is only a fifty fifty chance. I mean, you do it no matter what because you want that family. I won’t go now into the nitty gritty of what was actually spent on our IVF cycles in total but let me put it this way – you could buy at least three mustang cars with that. No joke.

IVF is the Chanel designer brand of making babies – expensive as shit, but you just gotta have it.

For the first couple of months, Troy and I didn’t talk about what the next step was going to be as we just wanted a complete break from IVF, where it wasn’t consuming and controlling every part of our lives. We just wanted to breathe and lives our lives again and be normal, without worrying about where the next dollar was coming from to go towards another cycle and not have to worry about the exact timing of when injections, hormone patches and progesterone vaginal inserts had to be. We wanted to live stress free.

We had previously chatted to our IVF specialist about using a donor egg and even a close friend of mine rang me one day out of the blue to tell me that a couple she knew had two fertilised embryos in storage who no longer wanted their embryos but wanted to give it to us when they heard about our story. That completely blew us away… two embryos that would be given to us! I have to say this came out of left field for me and seriously whacked me on the side of the head, giving me whip lash but also mixed in with euphoria then turning into the biggest and most enduring migraine ever. It was at that moment, I fell back down into my tunnel of darkness.

I cracked under the emotional anguish at this possibility as I had just slowly started to (sort of) ‘heal’ a few months after ending the last cycle, coming to the realisation of not being able to have my own children.

I fell deeper and darker into my cycle of anxiety thoughts, blaming myself for our failures, feelings of depression and complete utter confusion and mind fuck games swirled around inside of my head 24/7. In the end I decided I couldn’t go through with it all over again just in case, you know – ground hogs day (!!) …that neither one of those embryos didn’t take to my uterus.

Yes I know, I know, I know there’s also a chance that it could work out for us and that we would finally become pregnant. But honestly, the fear was that extreme, that palpable that all I kept thinking about was how my NKC (natural killer cells) would affect all of those chances again and to go through feeling like a failure, that my body is rejecting this God given miracle that I can’t do what a woman is supposed to do (creating a child inside of me), just killed me.

Our lives for the past four years has been devoted to do everything possible and imaginable underneath the sun so we could have that baby we desperately longed for. But we came to the most hardest and painful decision that any couple has to decide, that since my eggs were so much older from when I first started, and there was only a 0.001% of maybe falling pregnant that we were now going to live our lives together as a childless but yet devoted and loving couple along with our two gorgeous fur babies, Tiago and Miguel.

After four long difficult years, our baby journey has come to an end.

I don’t want anyone thinking I really don’t want a child just because I turned down the opportunity of a donor egg or fertilised embryos. It’s not that simple. To the outside world it seems like the most easiest decision to make and it would appear I shouldn’t even have to think about it if I truly wanted a baby.

I don’t mean to sound harsh when I say this but unless you have walked in my shoes (or any infertility challenged couples shoes) struggling with infertility and experiencing constant repetitive failures – its a fucked up journey for anyone to go through. The desperation, the extreme heartache pain and the tsunami of tears I have cried (and still cry to this day), it’s just not that simple.

I will forever have a part of me that will always feel like a failure to my husband and still believe he should leave me for a younger woman who could give him the baby he deserves (he would make an unbelievable father), to carry on his bloodline. Those thoughts, those feelings – a part of them will always live inside of me but I’m trying, slowly moving away from those thoughts… baby steps (pun unintended).

Troy and I are still praying for that so called ‘miracle’ that everyone talks about once a couple stops IVF and goes about living their lives again, but I’m not expecting miracles to happen because honestly and truthfully – they do happen but not for everyone.

What is meant to be, will be. But what I do know is that living in the now is that I’m enjoying sex again (now that’s another story but to make it very brief, I avoided it because I felt so incredibly ashamed of my body for it not responding the way it should) with my husband. Who knows if a baby will happen for us but I’m not going to allow it to consume my entire life again.

Life is so short and I missed so much of it when IVF became my only reason for existence. I was like a horse with its side blinkers on – couldn’t see anything else around me but only what presented in front of me.

Would I do it all over again? Fuck yeah I would! But knowing all that I’ve learnt along the way, there’s so much I would now demand for it to be done upfront so things aren’t dragged on and false hopes are given, time and time again.

Whilst this is the end of my journey but it won’t be the end of me talking about IVF. I have a-lot more to talk about and share with women (or couples) who are just about to start or are on their way in their IVF journey. I will share things that you as the patient have the right to know and demand to be done and cut through all of the bullshit. And even though I wasn’t successful in my baby journey, there are tips I want to pass on to help those who are searching for every little bit of information on Google, to save you the time. It will all be here on my blog so that you can refer back to it time and time again, and/or maybe that you can pass onto your sister, cousin, aunty, best friend or even your work colleague who is going undergoing IVF.

Thank you for reading story and for being a part of my journey xoxo.

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PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of ‘Style & Life by Susana’:

My phone rang exactly at 8.45AM and literally my heart felt like it stopped beating and sank further deep within my chest at the sound of my ringtone, ‘Sex & the City’.

Embryologist: (pause)  “Unfortunately your embryo isn’t suitable for biopsy or freezing. It hasn’t progressed to the next stage of being a blastocycst that we would like it to be. We will continue to monitor it over the next 24 hours and I will give you a phone call tomorrow morning”.

DAY 20

So apparently they say “no news is good news”

I’m at my day time office job and I am most definitely not able to concentrate on typing up a report I’m meant to be working on. I can’t focus. Zip. Zilch, Nada. I have been waiting ALL morning for the phone call from my embryologist to give me my update on my little warrior. I have never looked at a digital clock AND a wall clock  so many times in my entire life. You know, just in case they may be a tad different from each other time wise. (Cue in the awkward attempt of a sense of humour) 

In the end I just got sick and tired of waiting and rang my IVF Nurse who then rang the embryologist to get them to give me a call. Pretty much as soon as I got off the phone to my Nurse, the embryologist rang straight away. You pretty much could have heard the huge thump on the ground of my heart falling. Just as the embryologist said, ‘Hi Susana it’s Nicole.’ I started to power walk to the boardroom and shut the door behind me. Again the same usual starting conversation:

Embryologist:  “Can you please provide your complete name, date of birth and address.”

I give her my details.

(PAUSE)

Embryologist: “Unfortunately I don’t have any good news to tell you, Susana… Your embryo is still at the compacting stage.”

My heart at this point completely stopped beating and I paused for what seemed like an eternity and then asked: “So does that still mean though that its still slowly growing?

(ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE)

Embryologist: “I’m sorry Susana, no its stopped growing. I’m so sorry for being the bearer of sad news.”

I hung up the call and took in a deep breath and just broke down into a flood of tears. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. And unfortunately they were very loud sobs that my work colleagues were able to hear me through the wall regardless that the door to the boardroom was shut closed.

I truly believed in all of my heart and soul that this was the cycle; that it was going to work. My little warrior had been developing so well up until Day 4. Every thought, every possibility, ever reason, every question why has run through my mind on speeded repeat. I have dissected every reasoning why it should have worked, every possibility perhaps that the doctors stuffed up, perhaps the medication wasn’t right this time, was it not enough or was it too much… no matter how many times I have over analysed it, gone over it in my mind, in the end it come’s to the same conclusion: maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. My little warrior just didn’t have anymore fight in it to win the battle.

The most hardest painful thing I had to do was ring my husband to tell him the news.

My hand shook something shocking as the phone rang.

 ‘Hi babe…” I then broke down in tears and he figured out the rest.

We both cried together over the phone.

What adds more to the pain is hearing my husband crying on the phone.

I can’t hold him, I can’t put my arms around him, I can’t see him.

All the while he’s at work in another city far from me, regardless of the distance, the pain can still be felt.

I failed again for my gorgeous amazing husband. I know I shouldn’t be thinking it but tell me, how can I not? How can I not feel or think that I have failed him? I can’t give to him what he truly so deserves to have: a child of his own. A child that is created by him and I. A child that has his sporting ability, intelligence and height and perhaps red hair.  A child that has my stubbornness and passion to fight to go after what it believes in, olive skin complexion and be all arty. A child that would be so truly loved and adored by two parents that loves it more than life itself.

A few months ago, I was a close family friends wedding with my husband and my mother and at this one particular moment, I looked over at the family bridal table where my mama was sitting at and saw my mother holding a friends baby. I just watched in complete awe, love and pain. It seemed at that very precise moment my mother must have felt I was looking at her, that she looked over at me and I just broke down in tears. It was the most magical and beautiful vision to see my mother look like a grandmother, holding this gorgeous baby girl, bouncing her on her knee and making those cooing sounds to her. A good friend of mine saw I was crying and came to my side and held me in her arms as I cried. I’ve failed my mother too, she will never be a grandmother because of me. I’ve somehow denied her of that beautiful experience.

I know it may hard for anyone who hasn’t struggled with fertility or conceiving issues to really feel or understand why I have over past posts sometimes I keep saying, ‘I failed for my husband/as a woman.’ I know I shouldn’t think or feel that way, it so freaking hard not too. It is how I feel deep down inside and no matter who says to me, whether its friends, family or my husband, no one is able to take those feelings away from me. Just because, it is how I am feeling. How I feel.

I couldn’t help it but I apologised to the most amazing man I have ever known (next to my father) that this has happened again all because of me. My gorgeous husband once again says I have nothing to apologise for, “it is what it is”.

It still doesn’t make it any easier.

I can’t help but not blame myself.

Maybe it is because of my age.

Or maybe it is because of all the other infertility issues that I have (NKC, one fully blocked fallopian tube the other half blocked).

Who f**king knows.

Only God knows and He’s not sharing with us the reasons why. Maybe He has other plans for me, for us. I don’t know. All I know is right now I am feeling and thinking that God ignored my prayer, pressed the mute button on his smartphone to not answer my nagging phone call. Don’t get me wrong, I am religious and very spiritual and besides the heartache pain, there is also anger. Not just at myself but at the world.

There are women out there in their late 30’s/early 40’s, f**k even into their late 40’s that they are able to still conceive without any problems or issues. But why me?? Why the f**k me?!

Again, who knows.

All I know, it just wasn’t meant to be again this cycle and I am so tired.

I am so unbelievably tired. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I don’t know if I can do another cycle. I really don’t think I have it in me to do another one. The constant repetitive failure one after another just brings you further down and how can you not but be hard on yourself.

Blaming yourself.

Critising yourself.

Putting yourself down.

This has ruled our lives for over three and a half years.

It’s all I can think about. I breathe it. I eat it, I think it. I sleep it. I bleed it. And even when I’m not “thinking” its there in the back of my mind. It appears in my dreams. Its a constant war battle of emotions and mental games that I am always fighting. And its a battle unfortunately that I am constantly losing and these wounds are so ever deep, that I don’t know if I will ever recover from mentally. I’m being painfully honest here. Thats what my blog is all about: raw truth and honesty. I have always been an emotional sensitive person but since starting this IVF journey over three years ago, I don’t know if it is because of all the hormonal drugs I have taken, but it doesn’t take much to make me cry. I used to be able to have an argument without getting chocked up and breaking down in tears. Now, its a losing ground for me. One minute into an argument and I am already starting to feel the tightness in my throat and my eyes starting to well up. Game over!

When is this Warrior Queen going to finally win the war battle and bring home a little Prince or a little Princess??? That spare bedroom in our home that has a small collection of small toys, will they ever be held by little hands? Who knows if it will ever be. Sure I have options such as egg donor or adoption but I seriously cannot even contemplate that now or even think about it. Or when I will be able to. The pain of this cycle has just crumbled me more than I had ever imagined. The pain that is in my heart as I type this post is beyond deeply painful. It literally feels like that the pain that my heart is feeling is shredding, slowly, bit by bit. The heart is being razor blade shredded. It’s the best way I can describe to you how it feels for me.

I don’t know if its meant to be in my destiny to a mother to a human being (I am a very proud mother to two fur babies: Tiago and Miguel, two beautiful and well behaved chihuahua boys). I never gave it a second thought of, ‘what if I’m not able to have a baby?’ because it’s not spoken in society or mentioned the difficulty a lot of couples do have in conceiving a child, regardless of their age. It’s a preconceived idea that a man and woman who have sex will fall pregnant and have a baby. I just always assumed I would fall pregnant one day and have a baby. Never gave it a second thought that I would ever struggle.

All I know right now this very moment is that my heart hurts more than I could have EVER imagined. The pain is palpable beyond any meaning and comprehension.

It just f**king hurts.

 COMING UP ON THE NEXT EPISODE: ‘so what now?’

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PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of ‘Style & Life by Susana’:

So I kept seeing butterflies everywhere I went. Yes, that’s right. Butterflies. In spiritual terms, the meaning and the symbolism behind butterflies is all about new beginnings. Change and butterflytransformations.

Unfortunately for me, I believe I’ve been singled out for it to be different and I believe it has a different meaning for me. In the past, whenever I have seen see butterflies or even moths (they have a similar meaning) they have meant: the ‘end of a cycle/life and the start of a new path.’ 

I’m so scared. I truly am. A part of me is like already feeling that these butterflies have been signs letting me know that my little warrior hasn’t made it or won’t be able to continue on with the fight. The only good news is that I haven’t had a phone call from the embryologist and THAT has kept me going.

DAY 19

My phone rang exactly at 8.45AM and literally my heart felt like it stopped beating and sank further deep within my chest at the sound of the ‘Sex & the City’ ring tone (yes yes,  that is my actual phone ringtone and yes, I am a huge fan). I ran to my handbag and searched for my phone, answered it and quickly walked from my desk (at my 8.30am to 5pm job office job) into the boardroom and shut the door behind me.

As per standard routine the embryologist asked the usual identification questions and in automatic mode, I answered her questions but at the same time, my mind & body went completely numb. I just know from previous experience that getting a phone call this early is never a good sign.

Embryologist: (pause)  “Unfortunately your embryo isn’t suitable for biopsy or freezing today. It hasn’t progressed to the next stage of being a blastocycst that we would like it to be.”

At the moment she began with, ‘unfortunately’ my heart just broke into a million pieces. A wave of complete and utter disappointed and sadness mixed in together washed over me and I feel like a have been sucked into a vortex and I am lost & alone in the universe, spinning around.

She continues and says, ” It’s progressed a little but not enough for it to get to blastocyst stage that it should be at. We will continue to monitor it over the next 24 hours and I will give you a phone call tomorrow morning”.

I hung up the phone and just stared at the white wall in the boardroom. All thoughts, all physical movements, just everything inside of me just stopped living at that moment. The world around me literally just stopped for those five minutes or so while I was on the phone.

OK. So, my little warrior hasn’t YET turned into a blastocycst but still its progressed a little. I know from another friend of mine, her little embryo was like mine and took an extra day to turn into a blastocyst. Sooooooooooooooooooo, there’s still hope. Right? I am so right now desperately trying to remain and grasp at anything to stay positive, to have hope, to have faith. I need to find a way to stay positive. God knows how I’m going to. Whats going on on one side of my brain is remembering seeing all those butterflies but the other side of my brain is yelling at that side of the brain to shut the f**k up and be positive!

The hardest part now is ringing my husband to tell him the latest news on our little warrior.

You don’t really think about how your partner thinks and feels during an IVF journey as you’re just so consumed with your own journey with all the drugs and medications, and what foods to eat and drink, or what foods not to eat and drink, what supplements to take, meditation, exercise, the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that just consume your life 24/7. You really just don’t think that much about if he is coping or if he isn’t coping or what he’s feeling or thinking. Its just as unfair on them as it is on you. Our partners try to be our knights in shinning armour and try to give us hope and strength.

Speaking just for myself and I want to apologise to anyone if I offend you with what I’m about to say but for me IVF is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I’ve gone through a lot of hardship and pain in my life. My first relationship was a physical abusive relationship with an ex where I was physically, emotionally & verbally abused for ten years and my previous relationship (before meeting my husband) was also an emotional and mental abusive relationship (with whom I was with for a year and a half). IVF has been the worst thing I personally have ever gone through in my life, in breaking and crippling me mentally and emotionally, my body reacting or not reacting to the drugs, in terms of the continued suffering, constant mind f**ks, failed expectations, failed results and just my body just not doing what is generally expected of a woman to do: conceive a child.  I have lived and breathed IVF for over three year and gone above and beyond to do all that is possible in helping my body. This is my own experience and feelings about it, only because it hasn’t worked for me, so far. No one’s experience is the same as each other, some have it a lot easier, while some have it harder. If I have offended you in some way with what I have said, please know I am truly so sorry but this is just how I feel.

I rang my husband and gave him the latest update on our little warrior and he went silent for a bit and I could hear him on the other end starting to tear up. His voice sounded cracked with emotion and at this exact moment hot tears start to trickle down my face. My heart is completely broken for my husband… I’m failing again for him.

So, the rest of the day for the both of us will be filled with numbness and automatic behaviour: just getting on with it and sending out as much positive vibrations and prayers to our little warrior to keep fighting on. Pushing to the back our disappointment and sadness and just trying with all our inner strength and love to be positive. Praying for a miracle.

Mummy and daddy need you little one, we desperately want you. Grow my little warrior, grow!

 COMING UP ON THE NEXT EPISODE: ‘that phone call’

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PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of ‘Style & Life by Susana’:

The embryologist rang me and said that my embryo (i.e. little warrior as its now known as), is at Day 3 and is dividing really well and is at 8 cells, as it should be on Day 3.  I felt so relieved and happy at that moment that I actually looked like and did this:

Phoebe Buffay (Friends)

DAY 17

So today is, “no news is good news.” But OH MY GOD it’s killing me not knowing how my little warrior is coming along. Whether its growing, whats happening or not happening. I just want the embryologist to ring me four or five times a day just to give me little updates. Yes I know I am being a little unreasonable but this is so doing my head in, like you would not believe!

IVF is one of the most mind f**k journey’s any couple can go on. You dissect, over analyse and think about EVERY little thing that happens. Or doesn’t happen (that then just goes over into a very dangerous zone). Whether it’s food related, what can you eat, what can’t you eat, what supplements to take or not to take, drugs you will be on, when do you take them, what happens if you don’t inject/insert at the exact same time? Can you have sex? (and yes, you can still have sex), no alcohol, no coffee, so sugar… seriously, unless your on this IVF journey, you really don’t can’t truly understand or comprehend what that person goes through and feels. Its a journey where you feel so ever incredibly alone but yet you can feel everyones eyes on you. Only in the sense because they too want you to have that dream that you so desperately long for.  I know, because I’ve been on that side of the fence before.

DAY 18 

butterflies, yep I said butterflies

OK todays post is going to sound and/or be like a little weird, and  if you’re like me and you have a spiritual nature about yourself and believe in certain signs that the Universe gives out, then you may find this a little bit fascinating.

Let me me just get straight into it… today, I have been seeing butterflies every where! Yes, thats right. Butterflies. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal.. just hold on, I do have a point I’m trying to get to. Haha! 😀

In spiritual term, the meaning the symbolism meaning behind butterflies is all about new beginnings. Change and transformations.

  • Powerful transformation, metamorphosis in your life, personality
  • Moving through different life cycles
  • Renewal, rebirth
  • Lightness of being, playfulness
  • Elevation from earthly matters, tuning into emotional or spiritual
  • The world of the soul, the psyche

Another meaning of a butterfly is about finding joy in life and the lightness of being.

Well unfortunately for me, I believe I’ve been singled out and its to be a different meaning in a different sense. I’m really sorry if I’m about to sound so negative but in the past, whenever I have seen see butterflies or even moths (they have a similar meaning) and it’s been during an IVF cycle (I swear I never EVER see butterflies or moths any other time, I mean, like seriously!) to me they mean: the ‘end of a cycle/life and the start of a new path.’

This afternoon as I was coming back from my mum’s house (we live just behind each other, on neighbouring properties), walking through her back yard onto my back yard, I saw two white butterflies just about two or so metres away from me. I literally froze in my step and gasped.

In the past whenever I have had butterflies land on me or fly past me and if I’ve been undergoing an IVF cycle, the next day I get a phone call from the IVF clinic letting me know that the cycle hasn’t worked and/or I’m not pregnant OR I get my period. Today I’ve just seen two butterflies two metres away from me. So you can imagine what I started to think or pretty much, start to fear. I’m even too scared to type it on my laptop. I’m trying to push the thoughts way way WAY back into the very back of my mind. I’m so scared to even say or bring it up to my husband and upsetting him. He knows I believe in all of this. He doesn’t. BUT… he doesn’t even deny that I have some psychic abilities either.

So as I stood there frozen in time for what seemed like an eternity, I slowly started to walk around to the other side of my back yard so it looked like those butterflies had in no way any sort of link or connection to me or my little warrior. That way in the next day or so, when I speak to the embryologist everything will be all fine and on track…  I’m trying to convince myself here, to be honest, I know.

An hour or so later, another butterfly hovered around me as I was just watering my beautiful lavender plants. I tried so HARD and really tried to not take any notice of it. Actually, I walked away from it so it couldn’t touch me thinking, again that way its not connected to me and it doesn’t mean anything… unless it has touched me.

ivf-day-17-day-18I’m so scared. I truly am. A part of me is like already feeling that these butterflies have been signs. that my little warrior hasn’t made it or won’t be able to continue on with the fight. I’m sitting here, typing these words, I can barely see the screen to be honest. The tears are stinging my eyes and fall down my face. Luckily I’m home alone. I can hear mum mowing the her lawns and my gorgeous husband, he’s off at baseball. My two gorgeous darling fur babies, Miguel and Tiago are both at my feet looking up at me, scratching at my legs, wanting to come up and kiss away my tears and hug their mum.

I’m totally convinced that they have been signs, these butterflies. My heart feels like its twisting around and around and at any moment it could break into two.

Please God, I beg of you, I beg  you, please don’t let this be the end.

Please don’t take away my little warrior. This is meant to be lucky clinic number three. The number twelve (cycles now) also a good number for me. Please God, you can’t do this again to me, you just can’t!!

 COMING UP ON THE NEXT EPISODE: ‘the phone call’

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PREVIOUSLY on the last episode of ‘Style & Life by Susana’:

It was 5.28PM and at the time I was typing up the last post, the lab hadn’t rung yet and as the saying goes, “no news is good news”. Every time, I looked at the time, my face pretty much looked like this one of Joey Tribbiani’s (character from Friends):

Joey-Tribbiani-Shocked-Reaction-Friends

DAY FIFTEEN

the results are in

The embryologist rang me earlier this morning and some of it was good news and some of it was unfortunately sad.

If you have been following my journey and remember on my last post, I had three eggs collected. Once they collected my eggs, they immediately injected my husband’s sperm into all three of my eggs. Some couples have the option of having the sperm swim around the egg, with the millions of mini-mini sperm blokes fighting against each other  to find its way into the egg but unfortunately many people like me, need to have the best sperm injected into the egg for numerous of reasons but mainly because of the quality of the eggs or because of the age of the person. With me, it’s because of my age. So over the next 24 hours, the embryologist monitors the eggs and see’s if all eggs become fertilised.

If no eggs become fertilised, they then ring and let you know the very next day after egg collection so that you aren’t left hanging for another day stressing and losing sleep over and wondering how your potential babies are coming along. So fortunately, we are very blessed that we had one egg fertilise but still, it doesn’t take away the disappointment and the feeling that you think your body has let you down, and you letting down your partner too.

My little warriors first baby photo

So trying to continue on thinking positive (as best as I can) and putting out beautiful loving energy out to the universe so it reaches my little warrior (nickname I have given it), here is a photo of my pre-baby’s first photo! The lab emailed me a photo of it today, I somehow was able to persuaded them to do this for me.

Today is Day Two for my little warrior and the amazing news is that it’s at 5 cells! 5 cells!!! Embryos should be between 2 to 4 cells at Day Two after egg collection and preferably about 7 to 10 cells by Day Three.

The day after egg collection, I was told by the embryologist and the head nurse that I had to start the crinone that night.

What is crinone?

Well, crinone is this progesterone gel that your insert into your vagina and you squeeze the tip of it, so it releases this white cream gel straight into you. What this does is that it helps to prepare the lining of your uterus so its ready to receive and nourish your little warrior (.i.e. embryo). Now depending on your doctor and clinic, everyone has their own rules of how many times you apply this product. In my case, I have to do it twice a day, at the same exact time, night and day. Don’t ever let your crinone be more than twelve hours as this can actually bring on your period because your body begins to think, ‘OK there’s no baby, bring on the bitch!’. And we don’t want that! So again my times are 7.00AM and 7.00PM. Once you’ve inserted it, you need to get up and move around for at least 30 minutes so it helps to ‘distribute’t through your system.

WARNING! This following section may gross you out!

The awful thing that I hate about crinone is that after a day of using it, white cottage cheese like bits come out onto your underwear. However the most awful DISGUSTING thing I hate about crinone is that you have to ‘clean out’ your vagina (yes, with your fingers) every couple of days because the crinone builds up deep inside. You do have another option which is to just let your body do the ‘cleaning’ itself. After a few days, your body will slowly push the built up crinone out through your vagina. The other awful disgusting part about this, is if you just happen to be walking around minding your own business, doing a bit of window shopping la la la la la, and all of a sudden you feel this pressure like thing moving out of your vagina. Obviously when this happens you have to make a mad rush to the toilet. Basically, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, however you deal with the cleaning out of the crinone. BAH!

There are side affects with crinone and for every woman, its different. I really don’t get many side effects just the irritation from it. Until embryo transfer I have to keep applying the crinone, day and night (cue in the massive eye roll).

DAY SIXTEEN 

So the embryologist rung me at 9.43AM and in that moment, I seriously literally stopped breathing.

The stress never leaves once you’ve conquered one aspect of IVF. Its never ending. It just moves onto the next part of your journey. Right now, the stress continues on in waves when you’re in the daily motion of how the embryo is progressing along. Once you receive the news you do forget about it until the next morning when you wake up and pray that your little warrior is coming along as it should be.

The embryologist just asked me the usual questions that they have to every time they rign, just to make sure that they are speaking with you and no one else (full name, date of birth and address). Then the next part came:

“Today is day 3 of your embryo and its coming along as it should. Everything looks really good.”

I’m listening very closely, my heart is racing and doing double, triple beats and then I ask, “so what cells is it at?” 

She reply’s and says, “It’s at eight cells and that”s really good for day 3

Next time the embryologist will ring me will be on Day 5. I asked if I could ring up tomorrow just to see how my little one is going and she said of course I can. And of course, I will. As soon as the telephone call ended, I was finally able to breathe again.

Relief, and happiness; that is until tomorrow morning when I wake up again and the stress re-continues. However right now, this is exactly how I feel:

Phoebe Buffay (Friends)

COMING UP ON THE NEXT EPISODE: ‘grow little warrior, grow!

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